fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
