i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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