If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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