"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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