Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize