Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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