I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
