I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
