I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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