My Higher Power is John Stamos
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
