I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
