i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize