I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
