Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
