It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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