Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
