I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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