i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
