unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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