Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
