He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
