Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
