You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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