if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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