I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
