I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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