How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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