Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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