I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
