I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
