I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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