I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
