pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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