Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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