I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
