I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
