grandma shit on top of the toilet
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
