I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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