I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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