that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
