Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
