if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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