My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
