She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
