after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
please come you make the beer taste better
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
