I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
