just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
