i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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