I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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