I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
