I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
