Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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