Welp...herpes.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
