.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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