come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
