Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize