I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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