You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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