i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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