Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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