The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Randomize
