you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
