I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
